Texting the ether

It’s been two weeks since my mom died and I’ve been mostly okay and sometimes really not okay. Mostly what’s hard is silly*, posting to Instagram and not having her there to like my pictures.

*I just read this and my inner therapist says I have to reframe that. It’s not silly. It’s a lighthearted thing that shows you feel seen. It’s not a “serious” thing, so you can easily brush it off as silly. But it’s also very real.

Last night I was making dinner and a thought fluttered through my mind and I was overcome by sadness and anxiety because I couldn’t text a picture of what I was making to my mom. Or that I was using the dicer attachment on the new Cuisinart for the first time.

So I cried a bit and got a hug from Brian (and both dogs) and then decided to text my aunt and that was lovely.

Grief is hard, and grief is inherently lonely because we all “have to” have our own experience of our grief. My grief isn’t going to be the same as what my dad is experiencing, or what my aunt is going through, or what my mom’s friends feel. And that’s okay. We can show up for each other, but we still have our own experiences. And we can do our best to take care of each other and give each other the space that we need, but we aren’t responsible for making it “better” for each other, that’s a thing that we do for ourselves. Because “better” is also different for each of us.

Today I’m going to pottery, which is also a thing that I would share with her. And I’ll give myself permission to feel sad if I need to, and to maybe have her voice in my head. But also there is space for pottery to just be pottery and maybe I won’t think about it at all.

*

Medical updates:

Chemo is over, and I’m on a medication break. Brain MRI was on Monday, I haven’t gotten a report or any phone calls so we’ll call that good. I have an appointment on March 20th with my oncologist to go over the plan, which will be based on the BRCA test and MRI results.

I’m going to enjoy this pause and do my best to not worry. It will be interesting to see what my body feels like with no wild toxic treatments streaming through it.

*

My mom’s obituary can be seen here.
As per her wishes, there will be no service.
♡

*

xo

It’s different when this one steals my spot as opposed to Lola. She’s much harder to move. Winnie has perfectly recovered from her spay surgery. I’m very grateful to not have to experience another heat cycle. No. More. Puppies.