Missing myself

I was walking home from pottery late yesterday afternoon and walked through the pedestrian zone that is lined with restaurants. There were people having a little aperitif and snack, hanging out, and watching the sunset. And it struck me. I miss myself. I miss having fun, getting a little tipsy before dinner, staying out, encouraging or discouraging one last drink.

I miss being spontaneous. I miss making last-minute plans and decisions. I miss taking a bottle of wine to the beach. I miss being silly. It’s so hard to let go and be silly when every day is consumed with noticing how my body feels. My brain is constantly on side effects or symptom alerts. It’s exhausting on top of feeling exhausted from treatment.

I miss me. I don’t feel like me. I don’t look like me. I’m trying really hard to maintain me and find me and discover me. I’m trying really hard to have things feel as normal as possible and that’s so exhausting. Because: This Is Not Normal.

I feel needy all the time. I feel lonely all the time. I feel tired all the time. I feel over this all the time. I feel guilty all the time. I feel like maybe there’s more I can be doing all the time. I feel like I’m doing too much all the time. There are too many feelings all the time.

Tomorrow is Friday again already, so it’s chemo day. Number Three of Round One. Then I get next week off and next weekend I am going to Have Fun. I am going to Be Silly and Spontaneous and I am going to Get Tipsy. That will probably only take one aperol spritz.

xo