I bought a wig

And we’re building our relationship.

It’s a very pretty wig, and the buying process was very lovely and I felt safe and cared for.

Now she came home with me, and we need to connect. I need to decide when and where to wear her. A wise friend who went through the cancer-related wig-wearing said that I wear her whenever I want to.

Whenever I want to not feel like I have cancer.

Whenever I want to feel pretty.

Whenever I want to feel like before.

When I do the damn laundry.

Whenever I fucking want to.

But right now I’m in the throes of treatment and struggling to feel okay and connect with the part of myself that feels okay and isn’t scared. And it doesn’t help that I’m going for the big head shave tomorrow because my hair is just coming out in maybe not clumps but the strands are playing a togetherness-lets-be-in-a-group game and now I’m scared to touch my head and I’d really like to take a shower. But when your hair is coming out and your head gets wet there is hair everywhere and it’s really upsetting.

I miss my mom.

The mom of one of my lovely sweet friends just died last week after a long illness. My friend was a glorious and dedicated caretaker for her.

I walked to the pharmacy today and while it did make me tired I also felt accomplished and I did stop for gelato on the way home. Maybe next week I’ll be strong enough to walk to the grocery store by myself.

I feel like I want to go out to dinner tonight. Let’s see if we make that happen.

Physically strong, mentally strong, emotionally strong, existentially strong, psychologically strong, one-foot-in-front-of-the-other strong. It’s exhausting.

But don’t called me warrior strong because I didn’t choose this and I don’t identify with that. I was conscripted. I was drafted. Some glitch in the universe made my cells do some fucked up shit. And now my life is no longer the one that I was choosing.

I had therapy Monday and I felt okay. And as the week has gone on I’ve felt more sad and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s the full moon, that’s easy to pin shit on, right?

Anyway, I had chemo yesterday, and I have my break week so I’ll be paying a lot of attention to how I feel.

We’re trying to plan a trip for the next break cycle and I really want to be a fun girl who goes on fun trips.

My dad is coming to visit and that feels special and good. I’m really proud of him and where he’s at with taking care of himself and taking forward steps while deepening his connections to me and mom. He’s handling shit that he didn’t choose.

So that’s the latest.

xo

She’s pretty but not the smartest.